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Ready to Separate

couple fighting on bed

Ready to Separate

Introduction

Before you begin

In some unhealthy relationships, one person has more power than the other. This can affect how well you and your partner communicate and cooperate as you separate, and it can show up as abusive behaviours. Your and your family’s safety may be at risk.

If your partner makes you feel anxious or threatened, you should get help. If you are in immediate danger, dial 999 for the police. Women can call the freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 at any time. Men can call the Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

Getting started

This tool will help you consider what’s involved when thinking about how separation or divorce. Are you really ready for this? It may feel like the only way forward. Some days you may feel more confident of your decision than others. You may still face many dilemmas, all of which come with mixed emotions and uncertainty. The pressure for this to be “the right” decision can be enormous, especially when you have children. Being confronted by your partner’s decision to separate may have left you feeling hurt and devastated, with your life seeming to spin out of control with this turn in events. How did it come to this?

You are more likely to come to good agreements about how to lead your lives apart if both you and your (ex-)partner are prepared and ready emotionally and practically to take this step.

This tool will help you explore how ready you and your ex-partner are to separate or divorce. You’ll answer some questions about your relationship and family life, and how you’re managing the end of your relationship. You’ll identify the issues you and your (ex-)partner need to focus on to make sure your communication doesn’t get stuck or conflict escalates.

It’s completely anonymous, free and should only take you around 15 minutes to complete. You’ll get a personalised summary that you can download or print out.

It is helpful if you are just going through separation, and even if you have been separated for a while but are now looking to end your relationship formally, maybe with a divorce. It is good to know where you are at.

SP_user_87%

86.8% of users of the Ready to Separate tool were satisfied or very satisfied with the information and support they received

(based on usage up to 9th September 2020)

What do you think of Separation Planner?

We’ve put together a survey that gives you the opportunity to tell us what you think. We will use your information to understand better how our users use the service and to help us improve it for users in the future.

We use the term ‘(ex-)partner’

Throughout we use the phrase ‘(ex-)partner’ for your husband, wife, civil partner, or partner you have lived with. If your relationship has broken up, we consider the other party to be your ex-partner.

About you

Once you’ve completed the questions we’ll send you a summary report. It’s completely free and will contain lots of links to support services and information relevant to your situation. To do this we’ll need your email address so we can send it to you. We will continually update the information on this pathway and keep it relevant to those who use it. It will help us to do that if you also give us your age range.

Current situation

When separating from a partner, the status of your relationship becomes more important when financial and property considerations have to be made. If you have children together there are even more considerations to take into account.  Your answer to these questions will help us to give you relevant information.

Where are you in your separation journey?
Have you and your (ex-)partner agreed how you'll look after your child/ren and support them financially?

Is it really over?

It is not unusual for couples to think that separation/divorce is their only alternative. Sometimes the whole process is started for different reasons.

This question is intended to help you ask yourself whether you think there is any hope in a reconciliation. Your personal summary will give you more guidance on this.

Which of these statements is true for you?

Separation positions

It is very rare that two people who are either thinking about ending a relationship, separating or getting a divorce to be feeling the same about it at the same time.

It can help to understand this and your personal summary will give you good information on how to accept the difference and communicate better as a result.

Loss cycle diagram

Left side Right side

Communication

Many couples struggle to communicate well. This is often a key factor in their separation or divorce. In the process of separating communication often gets worse. This does not mean it is all bad, without the pressure of trying to make things work, sometimes things get easier. However it can also be expected that for some people conflict can escalate.

How would you describe the level of communication you currently have with your ex-partner?
1 = very poor 2= poor 3= satisfactory 4= good 5= very good

Hotspots

There are always some areas of separating that are really difficult to negotiate. This guided pathway will not provide you with all the answers to those issues, however, your personal summary will give some information that you may want to follow up.

Which of these areas are causing you concern? Tick any that apply to you.

Keeping safe

Everyone has arguments from time to time. When you’re separating these can become more frequent. Sometimes one partner is more dominant in the relationship than the other. When one partner is more dominant, this can create unhealthy relationships and lead to behaviours that are abusive. It may be necessary to carefully consider your safety and the safety of any children. If you answer ‘Yes’ or ‘I’m not sure’ to any of the questions in the following section we’ll include some information about abusive relationships in your report.

You’ve told us that you, or a member of your family, is in danger right now.

Contact the police immediately to report the violence. You should call 999 in an emergency or 101 in a non-emergency or you can attend a police station in person to report an incident.

Most police stations have Domestic Violence Units or Community Safety Units with specially trained officers to deal with domestic violence and abuse. As many kinds of domestic abuse are criminal offences, police can arrest, caution or charge the person involved.

It’s important you prepare for any further violent incidents should your partner be released from police custody.

These agencies can offer further advice and support about domestic violence and abuse.

National Domestic Violence Helpline (run by Women’s Aid and Refuge)
Immediate help for women and children faced with domestic abuse. Freephone 24/7 helpline: 0808 2000 247

Galop
National lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans+ domestic abuse helpline: 0800 999 5428

Men’s Advice Line
Advice and support for men experiencing domestic violence: 0808 801 0327

You’ve told us that you, or a member of your family, might be in danger right now.

Even if you are not sure, or violence is just a possibility, you should seek help. Your safety and that of your child/ren or family members is your priority.

Contact the police immediately to report the violence. You should call 999 in an emergency or 101 in a non-emergency or you can attend a police station in person to report an incident.

Most police stations have Domestic Violence Units or Community Safety Units with specially trained officers to deal with domestic violence and abuse. As many kinds of domestic abuse are criminal offences, police can arrest, caution or charge the person involved.

It’s important you prepare for any further violent incidents should your partner be released from police custody.

These agencies can offer further advice and support about domestic violence and abuse.

National Domestic Violence Helpline (run by Women’s Aid and Refuge)
Immediate help for women and children faced with domestic abuse. Freephone 24/7 helpline: 0808 2000 247

Galop
National lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans+ domestic abuse helpline: 0800 999 5428

Men’s Advice Line
Advice and support for men experiencing domestic violence: 0808 801 0327

Health and support

It is known that stressful life events can have a detrimental effect on health.

Your personal summary will give you ideas on how to balance your emotional health with your physical health.

At this time, more than most, it can be important to have some idea of who to turn to when you need support. It would not be unusual to be uncertain about who can help and when, so we have included a check list to help work this out.

Are you coping well?
Are you are struggling with any of these? Tick any that apply to you.
How many of the following statements do you agree with?
  1. I have someone I can rely on in a crisis
  2. I know someone who makes me feel good about myself
  3. There is someone in my life I can be totally myself with
  4. I know someone who will tell me how well or how badly I am doing
  5. There is someone I can talk to if I am worried

Planning ahead

To have some ideas on what lies ahead and even some goals for a time ahead, can be helpful. We have a downloadable sheet to help with identifying some goals.

How would you describe your plans for the future?

Further information and help

Would you like to get further information and resources for any of the following?

Thank you to The Dulverton Trust and The Legal Education Foundation for supporting this work.

Partner logos

Check your situation with our assessment tools

  • Safe to Separate

    Everyone has arguments from time to time. When you are separating these can become more frequent. But sometimes one partner is more dominant in the relationship than the other. This can create unhealthy relationships and lead to behaviours that are abusive potentially putting you and your children at increased risk of harm.

    This tool helps you to think about your relationship and consider your safety risks. It gives you an action plan to help you all stay safe during separation.

    woman with head in hands

  • Starting to Separate

    Separation is a time of big change. You and your ex-partner will need to many decisions about how you’re going to live your lives apart.

    This tool can help you organise yourself at this busy and emotionally difficult time. Understand your rights and responsibilities and what legal processes you may need to follow and identify issues you and your ex-partner may need to focus on first.

    There’s a lot to think about and understand when you separate. This tool will get you started.

    mum and child

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