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Motivation checker - Children

Set up an account

Setup an account

You can use the tools within Separation Planner without the need for an account, but if you want to save them so you can update or change them in the future setting up an account now is the best thing to do.

If you’ve already setup an account, login before you start using the tool, so any work you do will be saved into your activity dashboard.

What do you think of Separation Planner?

We’ve put together a survey that gives you the opportunity to tell us what you think. We will use your information to understand better how our users use the service and to help us improve it for users in the future.


Getting started

How you’re going to be effective co-parents apart is one of the most important things you’ll need to figure out.  It can be one of the hardest issues – very emotive.

It’s also the area where you’re likely to have continued contact with your ex-partner. As parents, you need to work it out now, and you’ll need to keep workings things out until your children have grown up.

This tool aims to give you a head start to managing this well. This can come from thinking about what’ll be in the best interest of your child/ren. If you can focus on this, rather than positions you and your ex-partner may take, you’re more likely to find common ground and a way forward.

The tool will also help you explore your own motivations and emotions, and be curious about where your ex may be coming from and what lies behind their ideas. It is a time to be honest, even if what you or your ex want is different from ideals of parenting you may hold.

It’ll take about 5 minutes to complete. It’s completely confidential. You’ll get a report which gives you a record to come back to. It’ll summarise key interests will give you helpful principles against which to interrogate your ideas and proposals for children’s arrangements.

Key points

  • Be honest with yourself
  • Focusing on interests helps to put ego aside
  • Be open as this will help with negotiations with your ex
  • Be curious, compassionate and non-judgemental about your partner
  • Put your child/ren’s best interests first in your separation or divorce

What do you think your child/ren need to be happy after your separation or divorce?

Here’s a list of options to choose from – tick all that apply. You can also select ‘other’ to enter your own ideas.

As you look at these options try and put yourself in their shoes. Try and put aside any anger or grief you hold about your separation, any distrust and disbelief in your ex-partner and their ability to support your choices in what’s best for your child/ren.

(warm and nurturing with effective discipline and limit-setting)
for example, step-parents and siblings
What might get in the way of supporting these outcomes for your children?

Here are some statements we at Relate frequently hear in our counselling or family mediation sessions.

Tick any that resonate with how you’re feeling right now, or how you think your ex-partner might be feeling. Try to put aside the past, and think about the future. Be curious and compassionate. Be honest, even if you feel that what you really want is not ideal or what is expected of you.


Check your situation with our assessment tools

  • Agreement builder - Children

    The process of answering the questions in each agreement builder should help you consider what outcomes are best for your children and both of you. They can form a useful starting point when discussing your situation with your ex-partner or a legal representative such as a solicitor.

    agreement builder
  • Children's living costs

    Use this tool to do some basic calculations on day to day costs for your child/ren. This will help you when planning your next steps.

    children living costs

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